That's the kind of change I've had to deal with. I remember having that much change once before. I had just graduated from college and was moving out of the dorms for the last time. (I know, I was one of those that lived in the dorms each year I was there and I LOVED it! Not because my room was so great (because it wasn't) but because all my friends were so close and we did just about everything together! Hands down some of the best 4 years of my life!!) Anyway, I had to move into an apartment, find a full time job, and within a few months of graduating I was also engaged to be married. Within a year of graduating college, I had gone from being a full time student with not much to worry about to paying bills, adjusting to the life of full time work and the drama that comes with the work place, and planning a wedding. Just a few months after getting engaged we were married and now adjusting to married life. Within 8 months of getting married, we moved to St. Louis, MO! That may have been the hardest change of all. I was a born and raised ND girl and remember how nervous I was about living in such a big city like Grand Forks! Haha!! Now, I found myself living in a REAL city. The traffic was one of the hardest adjustments along with a VERY tight budget.
Some of the adjustments I had to make were welcome and some weren't. Some caused tears of pain and some of joy! I'm sure you all can relate to at least some of these changes and may have others to add like children or career changes, etc.
What I hope to touch on today is the amount of things in life that changed once I became ill and have stayed ill. I know I say this a lot but I want to be clear that this list is so we can better understand each other and what this might be like for someone else in my shoes. And, if someday, heaven forbid, you find yourself ill - knowing a bit of what to expect might be helpful as well. I don't write this to cause guilt or beg for attention. I long to have my friends and family understand how hard this is and how much we need them but at the same time, I don't want pity or empty sympathy. I hope that makes sense and I appreciate you taking the time to read this and try to better understand what we're going through! :)
What all has changed? The quick answer would be everything. :) I'll do my best to only cover the major ones.
#1 - No longer working.
I have written about this before so I'll try to be quick. Imagine having worked full time for the past 6+ years. I was always around people all day long. Now, most days, I only see Andy for a few hours at night. That's A LOT of alone time to adjust to on top of all the other things going on.#2 - Physical abilities.
I went from being an active, social adult to being very sick and hardly able to get off the couch. I still struggle to do things like vacuum or steam the floors because it takes too much energy. I used to spend most of the day Saturday cleaning the house because it was my only day to really do it. I could clean the bathroom, do dishes, do laundry, vacuum, dust, etc all in a part of a day! Now, I'm lucky if I can complete one of those in a day. I usually have to take breaks and spread it out over the afternoon to have enough energy to get it done.#3 - Pills, Needles, and Treatments.
I went from taking a couple prescriptions to needing a large pill box with morning and evening sections. I have prescriptions, supplements, and vitamins, that must be taken either via pill or injection. I also travel to my doctor at least once a week for treatments. Sometimes making this trip has literally taken every ounce of strength and courage I have because I felt so rotten. Other times, it's been ok. In many ways, I "feel" like I've gone from being a young, busy adult to being an ill, elderly person whose highlight of the week is getting out of the house to see the doctor or get groceries.#4 - Relationships.
Not one relationship in my life hasn't been touched by this. Some for the better but sadly, many for the negative. If you've read my post It's a Tough Job, then you know that I understand how much work it takes for those in my life to still be close with me. I know that it's not easy. I also know that it's not realistic to expect everything to stay the same when something like this happens. Just know that if you're ever faced with a long trial of your own - not everyone you want to be there, will be. And, those you never thought cared, or were very close to, will now be your closest friends. I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say how much it hurts to have people drift away. I didn't ask for this nor did I do anything to cause this and yet somehow I feel like I'm being punished for something I had zero control over. On the flip side, some relationships have been forever seared into my heart because of this. My relationship with God has only grown through this time. It's not always been easy and I still mess up a ton but He's the reason I haven't lost my mind through all of this! Andy and I have only grown closer. Can I get an Amen or Praise the Lord?! Now, we still have struggles like any normal couple and add on that the stress an illness can cause and sure we've made mistakes. But in the overall picture, so far, God has only brought us closer and we ask you to pray that that continues and that we don't drift apart due to any of this. I love him more than I could ever understand and I really don't know what I would do without him!! Our family has been great through all of this, too. Calls, emails, prayers, helping with cleaning or driving to doctors, etc......I could go on and on. Thank you, Lord, for them! :)#5 - Plans.
This one makes me laugh because I know it doesn't take an illness to mess up our plans! God has his own plans and thankfully, His are better! But, if it had been up to us, we would have already tried having a family by now. It's hard to not feel robbed of that chance sometimes but we have no idea what God has in store in the next few years and we're praying that I'll be well enough to at least be parents somehow. Whether it will be by adoption or the natural way - we're not sure. Much will depend on my physical healing and who knows what the Lord will have in store for us. All I know is that any ideas we had about what these last couple of years were supposed to be, have all been thrown out the window!#6 - The illness itself.
It seems like each day or even part of a day can be so different from the next. I really never know what I'll be feeling like so I can never say for certain I'll be able to do anything. It's so frustrating to never know what to expect and it seems just when you think you can't have a worse a day, something like shingles happens and yeah it really did just get worse. Man, the roller coaster ride can get old.There's more I could write about but six is enough for now. These are the major ones and it's definitely not been easy. In fact, it's been hard. Really, really, really, hard! This is one of the hardest things I've had to go through (so far) in life and I can't say enough how much your emails, comments, messages, calls, hugs, gifts, and love are what help us through! To know you care, to know you pray, and to know you love us and haven't forgotten I'm still here - means more than you may ever know!!
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