Doubt

In this post, I'm hoping to explain my battle with doubt.  Not the doubt that has to do with faith, but the doubt that has to do with myself and others.  I don't know about your experience but my experience while in the working world has done nothing but tell me to doubt when someone is ill.  Especially, if it's something that causes long-term or permanent disability.  It seems that unless someone has a terminal illness, they should somehow always be able to find a pill or treatment or better doctor and get themselves back to work.  Am I right?  I mean, when someone calls in sick for a day, we often question whether it's true, don't we?  So, why would we believe someone when it comes to something longer?

I'd like to know your work experience - am I the only one who had managers always questioning these things?  Did any of you work in places where you were encouraged to stay home if you were ill and that they believed you when you had to call in?  If you did, then I'm pretty sure you did not experience the "norm" and should count yourself blessed.

So, all my life, I've heard adults talk about illnesses with suspicion.  I have heard statements of the kind:

Can someone really be that sick?  How can they have that many pains or problems?  It's just got to be in their head!  The doctors can't find what's wrong?  See, I knew she was making it up.  She doesn't look that sick - I wonder if she just needs to toughen up. 

And on and on it goes.  I've not only heard them, but I've thought them.  I might have even said them a time or two.  Ugh.  How could I have been so arrogant? 

I know that there are people out there who do abuse the system.  I get that.  But our society seems to cling to this when it comes to anyone who needs to use the system and not all who use it are users.  Like myself, I know there are many who would much rather be healthy and working than have to be on things like disability.  But it's one thing to have the general public doubt you - it's entirely another when it's the people that know you well. 

Those that know me well know that I come from a family of do-ers.  We were always doing something and we never did anything slowly.  Even though I was always a "big" girl, we were always active with things at school, church, and home.  Even when we went to the mall, it was never a relaxing day of shopping.  We walked as fast as we could from one place to another and got stuff done!  I was taught that when at work, you do your best and work hard.  I have always taken pride on doing things right the first time and many of my employers and the reviews I would get always said I performed well and often met expectations and sometimes exceeded them.  While working in banking, I was promoted something like 4 times in less than 4 years.  With two of those positions, I received small increases in pay because they noticed my performance and wanted to reward it. 

I'm also someone who values honesty and longs for your respect.  So, to have someone doubt my word or my wanting to return to work was extremely hurtful.  I never imagined being put in a position like this!  To be in a place where I'm sick beyond what I could have imagined and yet have people question just how sick I was was gut-wrenching.  

On top of that, the doctors couldn't find what was really wrong with me.  I was more ill than I've ever been in my life and they're telling me my blood work was normal.  (Or at least what they checked.)  Then, to make matters worse, we got what we thought was the answer - only to wait and find out that it was only a small part of the problem.  This was the point where I started to notice how some of the people I knew stopped calling or checking in.  Part of me doesn't blame them - if the roles had been reversed would I have doubted them?  I wouldn't be honest if I didn't tell you that I probably would have. 

At that point, I was also starting to doubt myself.  Was I going crazy?  Could I somehow have lost it and was only experiencing this inside my head?  Was I just not trying hard enough or working hard enough to get my energy back?  I would have fleeting thoughts like this and then I would come back to reality and recognize that there was no way my mind could invent the pain and fatigue I was experiencing because I had never felt anything like it before!  Once we were able to determine the probable cause of my illness (controversial though it may be), I was finally able to move past my own doubt. 

Will I ever be able to convince everyone I'm telling the truth and that this is real and someone can really be that sick?  Nope.  That used to bug me.  And to be honest, some days, it still does.  Sometimes, even though I would never wish what I have on anyone, I do wish that you could experience this just for a day - if only so you could better understand what it is that I face and know that I'm not exaggerating and that I'm being honest.  I've come to accept that I can't make people believe me.  They have to choose to. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt - but I'm learning how to let go and spend my energy on those that do know and trust me and my word. 

Another final thought on this is learning how to forgive myself.  I used to be so arrogant and assumed so much about people who were ill.  If I had had any idea how hard it was, I know that I would have been a better friend, co-worker, family member, etc.  I would have done more to help.  I feel ashamed of how I used to think about this and I pray that I will never forget the lesson that chronic illness is so much more than I could have imagined.  I hope I always remember that I can't really know all that a person is facing and to be better about listening to them and trying to better understand what they are going through. 

I can't write this post without offering to answer any doubts or questions you have.  But if you have any to ask, please contact me personally.  I have no problem talking over the phone or sending an email but this blog is not the place for it.  Also, if any of you struggle with this kind of doubt (it doesn't have to be about an illness or disability it can be about life in general), I welcome advise, expertise, or thoughts on this, too.  It always helps to know that we aren't alone in what we face so please don't be shy and share!  :)