Let me be clear - I'm mostly terrible with this. I hate not knowing what our future holds or not knowing just how much longer I'm going to have to carry this burden of illness. It's hard. It's tiring. It's stressful. It's scary. It's the opposite of fun.
In my head, I KNOW that God has this all worked out. I believe in His word, who He says He is, and that He has a plan for me. But that doesn't mean I don't have my days where (like David in Psalms) I cry out in pain or fear because I just don't understand. Today is one of those days. I have so many questions that don't have answers:
How long will this go on?
Will I be like this forever?
Will I ever be well enough to be a mother?
Will we be able to have children?
Will we have enough money if we find or determine we will need to adopt?
Will I ever be well enough to at least attend church on Sunday morning again?
How many more major life events will I have to miss? (weddings/funerals/etc)
God, I trust you, but why are you doing this?
Will I ever be able to enjoy a vacation or shopping day again?
Will I ever be able to leave this house without worrying about energy/fatigue?
I could go on and on. and on and on.
In many ways, I often struggle with feeling like my life has been put on pause while everyone around us keeps living. I see college friends who are married and having children - posting pictures of big family get-togethers and enjoying their time together. I'm so happy for them but it's also a painful reminder of how our life is so different from almost everyone we know. My fatigue is often so crippling that I have a hard enough time running a 15min errand let alone going to a holiday party or a family birthday celebration. This doesn't just impact me, it also impacts Andy. Before getting sick, we enjoyed being social people. We often were hanging out with friends, going out to dinner, catching a movie at the theater and now all of that has changed. Instead of having many friends to do all of that with, we now have one friend who makes time to see us on a regular basis.
Because of this, Andy and I often struggle with feeling like we've been abandoned. It's no one person's fault that this happened but it's hard to not try to look for someone or something to blame. Whether it's trying to blame God for allowing this or getting angry with those who have let us down, it's never something that solves our pain, hurt, fears, or uncertainty. It only opens doors for more self pity, more anger, and more bitterness.
Now, I'm not saying it's wrong to be angry or hurt or scared - because it isn't. It's what we do with those feelings or where we allow our feelings to take us that is. Sometimes, I'm able to handle uncertainty well. Sometimes, I'm not. On the days I'm not I have to force myself to remember that these are just feelings and feelings come and go. But knowing that God is good, that He loves me, that He has a plan for me - even in my illness - that doesn't change. He is the God of everything and any uncertainty I may struggle with is fleeting but my God is forever! He forever loves me inspite of my sin. He forever saves me because of His Son. He forever reigns on His throne and someday I'll be with Him.
So for now, until I'm able to be with Him in Heaven, I find that His word is the place I must run when I'm scared. He's the person I must talk to when I'm angry or frustrated. He's the person I must ask for help when I don't know what else to do. I'm crazy about Him because His word says He's crazy about me and I hope that whatever you're facing you'll know that you're not alone and that He's here - ready to help, to heal, and to save if you'll only ask.