"Better?" - It's all About Perspective

One of the words that has bugged me since becoming ill is the word "better".  People often ask if you are doing better or do you feel better and it's just not that simple.  Sure, I may be "better" than I was a year ago but that doesn't mean I'm better.  See, to use the word better on it's own implies that I'm healed.  Which I'm not.  And often, even if I say something like I'm "better" than I was before, people only hear the word "better" and miss the comparison altogether. This happened to me again on Tuesday when I went to my family doctor for him to look at a spot on my back.  (Don't worry, we're pretty sure it's not skin cancer - it's something that I've had since getting shingles and looks very much like shingles but because all the other shingles cleared up he wanted to do a biopsy just to be sure.) 

Before:  Let's see, a year ago I was pursuing a gluten free diet in hopes that that would heal me.  We didn't know yet that there was more going on.  I was still struggling to stand long enough to get my hair done (on the days I had to leave the house) and hardly ever even bothered with make-up.  I would have to rest after doing my hair because it would make me so tired to stand for that long.  I was constantly woozy and struggled with insomnia.  I took 2-3 hour naps, 2-3 times a day.  Often, the days I had to leave the house for a doctor appointment, I would spend the next couple resting and recovering because it would wipe me out.  Doing chores and making food was a constant struggle.  I made lots of crock pot recipes because they were easy and had leftovers. 

Now:  Today I still eat a gluten free diet because a gluten intolerance was only a small part of the problem.  While I still struggle with insomnia, taking melatonin and benadryl every night help me fall asleep.  But, I still struggle with staying asleep.  Just yesterday I woke up at 3:30am and couldn't fall back to sleep until after 7am.  I still take naps but each day it's different how long.  It's almost always at least an hour and on days like yesterday it was three.  I still can't do much of anything before lunch because even though the wooziness isn't constant, it's often still a problem in the morning hours so I don't ever get dressed and do my hair until after lunch.  Thankfully, on the good days, doing my hair isn't such a struggle now and even doing makeup is ok.  (But, I do still have bad days where this doesn't happen at all.)  The difference is now that I have some days where it's not such an issue.  Chores are still a struggle but it's not as bad as it used to be.  Doing laundry and making dinner are usually things I can manage.  But, I still have days where standing long enough to make a sandwich for lunch takes everything I have. 

So, am I better?  Depends on what you mean.  I am doing better than before but I'm no where close to healed.  I am thankful for the progress that has been made but it's hard to not get frustrated by how far I have to go.  As my friend, doctor, family member, etc - it's easy to want to hear that I'm better.  I get that - you want it almost as much as I do - to be better!  But, no matter how much we want it, it doesn't change the fact that I need you to really listen to how I'm really doing.  Why?  Because if you start to think I'm better (when I'm not) and then I have to tell you I can't do something, it's just one more disappointment and creates a lot of pressure on me to feel as good as you expect me to. 

I hope this makes sense and please know that I'm not going to jump down your throat if you ask me if I'm feeling better!  :)  I just wanted to explain why my answer is never a simple yes and why I need you to listen to the whole answer.  Thanks again for taking the time to read my ramblings and if you connect in some way to a post - I love and welcome comments and shared experiences or insight!