It's a tough job...

There's a fine line between feeling obligated and truly caring.  But, most of the time, people can tell the difference.  I often think of our good friends from STL who went through an extremely hard, long, and painful medical trial.  Once they had finally gotten past the life-threatening stage and were getting into the very long, difficult path that is physical therapy (to learn things like eating, showering, let alone muscle strength for walking) - they said that they were worried that most of their friends would disappear when in reality this is when they would need them the most.  

Our situation has not been so desperate, but the length of trial is similar.  Sickness can be a tricky thing.  Some people have seen loved ones suffer at a young age and forever after that, just do not handle it well.  I get that.  Many are weird about hospitals, too.  We all have our quirks but that's not what I'm really talking about here.  

If you've ever faced a trial that endures a long period of time - I'm guessing many of you can relate.  You want your friends to call and check up on you and can I be honest enough to admit that most of us even expect it?!  When I first got sick, I was so sick, it was pretty hard for me to think about anything, much less try to remember what my friends had going on when.  But as things lengthened and I was able to better take care of myself, I knew that if I wanted to keep friends, I would need to reach out and call, facebook, and email to the best of my ability.  I wanted people to know that even though I couldn't do much of anything in person, I could still be there to talk to.  I knew I couldn't always make the whole conversation about me and my problems - that I would need to remember that life does go on outside of what I'm currently dealing with.  

All that aside, if you are a friend to someone who is chronically ill, please keep the following in mind -  It is and can be very difficult for us to not have verbal diarrhea when someone does call for a few reasons:  #1)  Fear.  We're scared!  We've never been through anything like this before and talking about it (possibly ad nauseum) is one way of coping or trying to handle that fear.  #2)  Lonely.  Someone besides a close family member has called and out of excitement you start babbling and before you realize it, you've probably shared too much.  #3)  Assurance.  In a strange way, some may be trying to give many details to assure you that what they are experiencing isn't made up or in their head.  It's not always easy being a good friend to someone facing a trial - especially a lengthy one.  But beyond listening to all of our fears, medical details, and worries - there are a few other things that you can do to really show you care. 

•  Time.  I am now in a place that prevents me from being the one to hop in my car and come running when you need me.  I hate that.  I've always wanted to be that good, dependable friend and now that life's circumstances are keeping me from being that person, will you still want me in your life?  In many ways, our friendship is now more dependent on you than ever before.  Until I'm better, (and hopefully that will happen,) if you want this friendship to survive, it's going to be you doing the running to me.  Phone calls, emails, and the occasional visit are the precious gems that God gives me to keep going and no matter how long it's been since the last one, it still means something to me to know you care.  

•  Knowledge.  I'm not asking anyone to become a medical expert on what I'm facing but a major compliment would be to hear you've lightly researched it online.  To know that you've sought out information on what I'm going through - just so you can better understand...that's a wonderful compliment and gesture that won't go unnoticed. 

•  Endurance.  I’ve been sick for a long time now and It’s got to be hard to always have to be the one giving in this relationship.  I know I can’t come to your house or go do the fun things we used to do but as hard as it is for you – it’s MUCH harder for me.  It’s killing me to feel like a bad friend – but I would love for you to include me in new ways.  Let's set aside a weekly or bi-weekly time to chat on the phone.  It doesn't have to be an hour long conversation - 10 minutes would do.  It would be wonderful if we could pray together about things we're each facing.  My trials are not more important than yours and I still want and need to keep in touch with life outside of my own struggle.  Let's also make NEW fun plans - I can't go shopping at the mall but we can still visit about a new awesome kitchen tool or your favorite new shoes.  I also love to shop online...do you have a favorite website?  Let's swap funny youtube videos or read the same book and talk about it, etc.
•  Flexibility.  I can never know how the day will go until it happens so if I have to cancel plans – please understand that it’s not because I want to – it’s because I have no choice.  You still loving me even when it’s hard – I will try to never forget that and I will take notice and know how blessed I am to have you.  You're willingness to be patient with this will mean so much!!!

•  Ask Questions.  If you don’t understand something – please say so.  I will do my best to not be upset and explain the best way I can what I’m going through.  But it’s better to ask than to assume…giving me the chance to explain tells me you still respect me as a person and love me enough to be honest when you don't understand.  


There are people out there with Lupus, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Cancer, and many other illnesses who all need friends or at least a friend with these traits.  We know it's not always easy, requires much grace, but your love and friendship really does make the road easier to bear and means more to us than you can know!  I can't write about this subject without giving a shout out to our good friend Pastor Caleb and his awesome daughter, Desi.  They truly have been a prime example of the all the traits listed above and without them, I don't know what we would have done!  Your visits have often lifted our spirits and given us short spurts of what feels like the old "normal" we used to have.  Andy and I can only hope and pray that in some way - we have been able to bless you like you've blessed us!!