Choices

One of the aspects of this new "normal" is having to choose.  I know when I first got sick, I posted a link to facebook that had an article called "The Spoon Theory". 

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/

This article does a great job of explaining how limited energy means having limited choices.  Before getting sick I could do just about whatever I wanted, when I wanted.  Having the energy to do anything was never something I really gave much thought before.  Boy have things changed!  Since getting sick, it's no longer how much I can get done in one day - it's about being able to do anything on a given day.

For example, today is Friday and I have a few options as to what I might do today.  I really need to do some laundry.  Fortunately, that's an easy chore.  It doesn't require much physical activity.  But, on Friday's, I usually try to spend a short time in the afternoon with a young lady from our church who is being home schooled and needs help with math.  What's different about this Friday is that our church is also offering a viewing of the movie "Courageous" at 7pm.  You see, before getting sick, I wouldn't have thought twice about doing any of those things because I could have done them all and then some all in one day.  Now, I have to choose.  On top of that, I've been awake since 3:30 am (for the second straight night in a row now) and being able to do any of these things is now in jeopardy.  If I'm able to get a good nap in (maybe even two), I might be able to pick one activity to do.

I hate having to pick between things like this because both are worthwhile activities.  (I hate even more not being able to do any of them if it turns out to be a bad day.)  Let's be positive though and say that today, after a great nap and some lunch I start feeling a bit better and feel up to helping Des with her math for a bit.  Do I go ahead and take advantage of the little energy I have to do that now or do I not have her dad bring her over because I am going to try to save all energy for actually trying to get out of the house to see a movie I've been wanting to see?  It's a gamble because I could stay off having Des come over and then later that day start feeling crummy again.  Then I miss both.  But, if the gamble pays off - I could actually get to get out of the house for a bit (for something other than another doctors appointment) and see some of my church family whom I miss so much!

Sometimes, choices are easier and sometimes harder.  Sometimes you don't get a choice, your body chooses for you.  Thankfully, there are days now when standing at the stove to make a quick dinner doesn't totally drain me, but there are still bad days when I know it's all I can do stand long enough to heat a bowl of (gluten free) soup in the microwave or make a quick sandwich.  Other things your body chooses for you can be whether you get dressed and do your hair or you stay in your pj's and hope no one knocks on the door.  (Especially now that you have a perm and your hair looks a hot mess if you don't have the energy to do it! haha) 

Now let me be clear, I'm not writing any of this for sympathy or for people to feel sorry for me.  What I am hoping this will do is help those who have "unlimited" energy understand the dilemma people with chronic illness face.  Sometimes I have to say no because I don't have a choice.  Sometimes I have to say no because another option presents itself and it's an important one.  Whatever the case, please keep in mind that our limited supply of "spoons" only dictates what we're able to do not what we wish we could do.  In this case, our actions aren't able to speak nearly as loudly as our words and you still having faith in us in spite of that is what helps us through - knowing you won't condemn us for having to make the choices we do.