Battles

Whether healthy or ill, everyone faces some kind of battle(s) on a regular basis.  Many of us struggle with how we look or how much we weigh or how successful we are at work.  Some of us carry heavy burdens of hurts we can't seem to get over or hurts inflicted by a trusted loved one.  Whatever your situation, I'm hoping you'll be able to connect with and understand (to a point) the battles one faces in an illness.  Some of the battles are new.  Some are very old and are only amplified by the situation.  Some, you never thought you'd have to fight. 

While discussing some of the battles I've faced is hopefully going to be healing for me, it also leaves me vulnerable to those of you who take the time to read this.  My hope is that by sharing and discussing these various issues, you'll be able to better understand my situation and any other person in your life who is chronically ill.  I also pray you'll be kind and not exploit my weaknesses.  Also, if any of you have faced any battles I end up discussing, I welcome encouragement and wisdom you have to offer! 

In many ways, it's hard for me to pick a first one to discuss.  Each battle has it's own "weight" and different battles seem worse on different days.  (So, whatever order I end up discussing them is not necessarily in order by importance or how hard they are for me.)  I guess I'll start with an OLD battle; one almost every woman faces.

 I have a long history of battling my physical appearance.  From almost as early as I can remember, I have done nothing but struggle with being heavy and yet always being hungry.  I was a fairly active kid, always playing outside, we were often helping with chores around the house, and as I got older, I played a lot of sports.  But no matter how much I ate, I was never full.  I remember in HS finally having some blood work done but after checking all the things like thyroid and hormones, everything appeared normal.  It wasn't until a few years after being married we finally discovered I have a condition known as PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome).  When I started reading up on the condition, I finally felt like I had some answers as to why I was always hungry and always struggled with losing weight.  Even when I do all the right things as far as exercise and diet go, I still hardly shed any weight.  This became even more frustrating because after doing all the things they said one with PCOS needed to do to lose weight, I got nowhere.  It made me feel like somehow I was a failure and that I would never be rid of this struggle. 

For awhile, I gave up.  I was so angry and frustrated with this life long battle that I just decided to try ignoring it.  Obviously, that didn't work but I really tried to make it work for awhile.  Finally, in December of 2009, I decided that no matter how much weight I lose or didn't lose, I needed to get back in shape and just eat moderately (no crazy diets).  I joined a Curves that I was able to go to on my lunch breaks and went 3 days a week EVERY week, sometimes four.  Thankfully, my job was willing to let me quickly eat in my office while I worked so I could take my hour lunch at Curves.  I was eating healthy and I have never enjoyed working out as much as I did when I was at Curves.  I didn't lose a lot of weight in the beginning but I did lose inches and quite a few.  I kept praying for God to help me stay healthy and strong so I could keep this up and really make it my new lifestyle or a habit before a cold or the flu could try to real me off course.  I prayed this a lot.  And for the first few months, I did stay healthy and kept my routine up.  It felt good to finally be doing this right.  I was living healthy and I was emotionally accepting that no matter how much weight I would or wouldn't lose, I was in shape and that's what mattered.  I had let go of all the frustration about weight loss not being easy for me and just decided to do my best and be happy with that. 

Then early March of 2010, something started to happen to me.  I noticed that after working out I started feeling kind of icky.  Not the normal tired you get from pushing it but the I might pass out and felt really awful, almost nauseous kind of icky.  At first, it didn't happen every time but soon I was finding that if I didn't push it quite so hard, I wouldn't feel so sick.  Maybe I had been over-doing it or some suggested I wasn't eating enough (trust me, that's never been my problem).  But in late March, the icky feelings turned ugly.  I started having air hunger episodes accompanied by near black outs and they would almost always happen in the car on my way back to work.  I imagine it is close to what a real anxiety attack might be like but trust me, I wasn't anxious about anything on that kind of level.  So, after this happened the third time, I called my doctor (the current one at the time) to have some blood work done.  Long story short, we finally figured out I had mono but didn't realize more was going on behind the scenes, as well.

When at first we thought it was just mono, I was upset that I would miss working out for a few weeks.  I was worried any progress I had made would be lost.  But, I was sick enough that I quickly stopped caring about that and tried to just focus on resting and getting better.  Well, I never got better.

Flash-forward 2 years and I'm still not able to exercise.  I had finally felt like I had come to terms with my weight and was taking care of myself like I should when all this happened.  After praying for months to stay healthy and strong - why would God allow this to happen to me?  This is one question I know I may not get fully answered until I finally get to ask Him.  I am doing my best to accept that this is the situation I am in and no amount of crying or whining about it will make me able to work out right now.  It's hard though, because at this point, I had envisioned myself a healthy, in-shape person who might have been a mother.  (That was part of the drive that brought me to Curves.  I wanted to get healthy so we could start a family.)

Now on top of not being able to work out, add these things:

-You feel awful all the time.
-You hardly have the energy to shower let alone do your hair and make-up.
-You look sick.
-Preparing good food takes time and energy and you have negative amounts of it.

After battling an insecurity my whole life about food and my weight and ultimately how beautiful I was - I had a real test on my hands now.  I thought I finally worked through all of this and now I was knee deep in it again.  Was I going to give up, get angry, and give over to depression again because of it?  There were moments I was afraid I was going to.  Honestly, if I hadn't gone through such a battle with it while living in STL and then come to terms with it after moving to WA, I might have succumbed to it.  I can't say the battle is over because I don't believe this one ever will be until I'm finally home with Jesus.  But, because of God's grace, for now, He's given me the ability to deal with this situation and so far, not give into it.  I try my best to remember that this time, I didn't choose this.  My inability to work out is due to a medical condition that I didn't cause.  This wasn't my choice to be "lazy".  

Physical beauty is a battle that almost every woman faces.  That battle is a hard one for many of us when we are at our best.  So, please try to imagine how difficult it is for me as a woman, now that I'm in this situation.  Ladies, we need to encourage and uplift one another.  Real (not empty) compliments are a great way to do that.  Not just because someone is sick or having a bad day, but because we love our girl-friend, sister, mother, etc and want them to know they matter, that they are beautiful in God's eyes, and that they have the cutest shoes on today!  :) 

If you're reading this and you are someone who is ill and fights this battle, too, I pray that somehow knowing that you're not alone will be an encouragement to you!  A person's beauty is not displayed by our skin, hair, and clothes.  It is displayed by the strength, courage, and character of how we handle this crazy life - by allowing God to work miracles in our hearts and trust what His word says about us being His treasure and His delight!  As with each battle, looking to what is true, (not what we feel) will help us get through.