Something each major doctor appointment brings is the question of what to do from here. Discussions of how this or that has or hasn't worked can either bring the doctor to more questions or to new things to try. There has been a few times, though, where it was obvious to both Andy and myself that even the doctor seemed as discouraged as we were. See, he wants me to get better, too. When leaving those kind of appointments, there were always tears of discouragement on the drive home. Because of this, each major follow up appointment can cause a tiny bit of trepidation. Will the blood tests give us answers? Will the doctor give up on me? Or will I leave this appointment feeling like myself AND the doctor are satisfied with the proposed next steps?
Thankfully, today's appointment wasn't one followed with tears. We put a game plan in place for another month and then another follow up.
I've left appointments feeling like this before, too. That also causes me pause because you see, even though some slight progress has been made - it's never done as much as we would have liked it to. I find it's a hard balance to focus on being positive and yet not too hopeful so as not to be so disappointed if/when it doesn't work as well as we would have liked. Each revised game plan does instill some hope in me and yet even tonight I find myself in a state of caution. Because hoping in something that ends up not working is almost more frustrating than when we didn't have any answers.
We put today's game plan in place 4 days shy of 2 years since I last was able to work. The whole reason I started this blog was to help me process what's happened since then and for my friends and family to possibly better understand what it is that Andy and I are going through. And yet, how does one move emotionally and/or mentally forward when their physical world is still very much the same? How do I really let go of what life used to be when I'm still in the middle of this? Even my dreams are different and constantly aware of my illness. I often have dreams about the job I used to have or about traveling places or spending afternoons at the mall and in my dream I'll suddenly realize that I can't do any of this because I'm still so sick and that I must get home at once because I forgot all my pills and needles, etc and will need to lay down.
Andy and I have talked a few times about needing to accept this as our life now. How waiting for my condition to change or, as if our life is on pause, is not healthy - especially as time lengthens. Yet, it's still a struggle. We know that we need to accept this as God's plan for whatever all His reasons may be and even though I know I cannot change what has happened, I still find it difficult to fully let go of what life was. Another side to this is trying not to focus too much on what I will want to do once/if I get better. We have some plans and many ideas but if there's one thing my illness has taught me, it's that God will make clear what HIS plans are and in HIS time. He has me in this place, 'stalled' so-to-speak, for a reason and I need to accept that and stop looking forward and backward so much. (I'm not saying it's wrong to look forward, one must if they are to have hope. I'm just saying it shouldn't be all I do while I'm in the here and now.)
So, I move forward each day, cautious, but doing my best to stay positive all the same. The bad days make that more difficult but the days that go better or like today, the doctor appointments that go better, help push me and Andy in the right direction. We don't know where we would be without your prayers, support, and love and we thank you for that. We ask you to pray today specifically for this next month's game plan. Please pray it's more successful than anything to date. And at the very least it will help shine light on what the most effective plan is to move forward with. And we also ask for you to pray for our ability to let go and move forward in as healthy way as possible. Thanks for reading and for all your encouraging words and prayers!! Much love - Jen (& Andy)
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