An Inner Struggle

Today I find myself wrestling with some things.  I'm having one of those days where I'm even extra tired than normal.  My first inclination has been to freak out, almost every time it happens.  You'd think, by now, I would learn that it's just temporary, some good days have happened recently, too.  But I always start to worry and fret that another major downswing might be starting.

I was talking with a friend this week - someone who really gets what I'm going through.  One of the things she said to me was how frustrating it is to not be able to just eat something without having to think about it.  No labels to care about - no ingredient lists to analyze.  How so many people take for granted just being able to go to the store and purchase whatever they want without having to decipher if it's going to make you (or a loved one) sick.

I thought about that situation this morning and how in many ways, my new diligence with food could serve a higher purpose.  If I was as careful about what I let into my thoughts or what I watched on TV or with how I spent my time - have I taken that for granted, too?  If I spent as much time worrying about how my life reflects my Savior as I spend researching recipes and ingredients could my life be better lived? 

I think so.

But it's not enough to have this thought and then do nothing.  This means a change must take place.  How does that look?  I'm not sure yet because then there's always the temptation to make it a checklist or legalistic ritual that doesn't have anything real behind it.  God wants my heart - and He wants yours, too.  He doesn't want YOUR rules or YOUR ideas about life.  He wants your heart to accept HIM and let this love of His change your life from an idea to something substantial.

It's not always easy remembering that my life, even though much of it is being spent in rest right now, is substantial because I have HIM!  The worst days of my life are not this present struggle - the worst days I ever had were the ones I lived before He came into my heart.  



My heart aches today.
For so many reasons.

I miss so many things.
I miss so many people.

I took so much for granted. 
How I wish I had known then.

Nothing is untouched by my new normal.

I cry out.
I know you are there.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being ignored.
But I know that You love me like no other.

I ask for physical healing and comfort.
For now,  you provide your word, your promises, your grace.

Nothing is untouched by Your love for me.

You provide new friends who understand;
Books written by those who've been there.

Your word gives me hope while I struggle through this.
Your love gives me peace when nothing else can.

Help me to always remember and no need to learn it again,
that You are in control now and have always been.

Nothing matters without You.