Thawing Out

I've been kinda quiet lately and I am just now figuring out why.  It's been a rough couple of weeks (health-wise) and usually that causes me to reflect and process and eventually post something.  This time, I kept finding myself without words or thoughts - as if I was frozen by it all.  Fear or uncertainty can cause people to react differently and for me, this time, it caused a bit of an emotional ice berg.  Without even realizing it, I was trying to shut off the fear and frustration in a way to cope with this latest rough patch. 

It's easy to get lost in the amount of time this has been going on.  It's easy to get lost in the physical symptoms that continuously present themselves.  It's even easier to get lost in the mental and emotional battle it takes to fight all the very real reasons one should feel angry or sad about the situation I am in.  This battle is no easy thing.  And, sometimes, I get tired.  So, this time, I shut off the parts of my brain and heart that long for understanding in all of this. 

Maybe, it's ok to do this once in awhile.  Maybe, it's not.  All I know is that it happened. 

The problem is, when I shut off emotions, it affects how I relate to God.  Even when I was praying, even though I meant every word and still believed in all the things I still believe in, it was like my heart wasn't in it like it usually is.  The one thing that helped me realize this today was the scripture I've clung to more than any other since becoming ill.  I was sitting at the doctor's office waiting for my treatment, feeling pretty darn awful and wanting nothing more than to just be at home in bed, and I started to pray.  My prayer brought no peace (when it usually does) and then these verses came to mind:

Be anxious about nothing.  But in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7

I've heard it said that when one doesn't know what to pray, to pray with scripture.  So I did.  And it helped me get that spark lit again and it allowed me to feel hope again, too.  God also supplied the same people to visit with (that I was able to visit with last time as discussed in my last post).  We had a good time visiting and that alone was encouraging. 

So, I look to tomorrow with the hope that it will be better than the last few weeks have been.  And even if I still feel crummy tomorrow, I can hope in the FACT that God is working this for my good and He LOVES me and has not forgotten me or forsaken me.  I NEED Him more than anything else in the entire universe and I'm so thankful He died for my sins so that I could have the opportunity to be called His child.  If you're feeling hopeless about something or just feeling nothing at all, turn to God's word and believe it for what it says - it will help you in more ways that I can even put to words.