So Much More

This week I had one of those days.



I've had many of them in the last two years.  But, each time it happens, it feels like THIS one was the hardest.  I started a new treatment this week and I wasn't prepared for how long it would take.  I was gone from the house for 4 hours.  The treatment itself took 2.5.  I haven't been gone from the house for that long since I got sick. 

I wish I could explain to you how hard that was.  Imagine that that 4 hour trip was a hike straight up a mountain and you have to do it on no sleep.  That might come close to comparing how tough this was.  To so many people, even those closest to me, it's hard for them to know just how hard I have to push myself to do something as simple as sit in a doctor's office (even in a recliner) for 2.5 hours (plus the drive home).  Some days, just a quick drive across town and back can feel like having to go for a run.  Nothing, no task, can ever always be considered "easy" anymore.  Depending on the day, nothing I have to do is easy.  People say things like, "You'll get through it, don't worry." or "It's gonna be ok.", without taking the time to think about what they are saying.  Imagine if you were facing that mountain on no sleep and someone said you, "What are you worried about?  You're going to do just fine."  How would it make you feel and how would you respond to them?  Probably begging for prayer (if you believe in that sort of thing).

I know I ask for prayer a lot but maybe the above analogy can help you understand why.  I NEED it.  Everyday.  And when the extra bad days come, I need even more just to get through.  It's those days when things are more clear than usual.  There is no awesome phone, fun hobby, or even a person who can fix my problems.  Sure, Netflix, digital scrapbooking, and computer games can help me pass time and can be a fleeting gift but they are no real answer.  There is only ONE who gives me hope and gives me a reason to want to keep fighting.  His name is Jesus.  He's real and He's alive and I'm not crazy for acknowledging it.  He is the ONLY real source of peace and strength that gets me through and keeps me from losing it altogether.  He is so much more than anything we can imagine...and He longs to heal, restore, and love us if you'll only let Him.

Now, did I "survive" that 4 hour trip?  Yes.  It was hard though - it wasn't even a 4 hour trip on a good day - I was feeling really awful and made myself go anyway.  If I had known how long it was going to take, I might have backed out and rescheduled.  I can't say I'm glad I went, because I'm not.  I can say I'm thankful that God got me through it.  If I hadn't had Him to pray to and rely on, I am not sure I would have finished the treatment that day.  I can draw strength from God because I know that He would never have me go through all of this if it weren't for something greater.  I can trust His plan, His character, and His love and I know that what happens in my life isn't some cosmic, random, act.  If there was no higher purpose, my suffering wouldn't mean anything and I'd be left to look at empty things like home renovations, cool toys, sports, and the next popular fad for any kind of joy or hope.  So tonight, as I reflect on this week, I have to stop and say how thankful I am that there is SO MUCH MORE to this life than what is tangible and that God loves me enough to forgive me of all my sins so that I can have hope beyond myself and my situation. 

Thank you for your continued prayers - I really can't say enough how much they mean to me!!  If you are facing a mountain of one kind or another, please let me know how I can pray for you and always know that God will be there if you call on Him in truth.  Much Love, Jen