Good Grief!

There is a difference between sorrow and despair.  One can be healthy or normal.  The other is losing track of all that matters and having no hope. 


I do my best to remain positive and some days are easier than others.  But, sometimes I find that I have to finally cry it out again - grieve some more - so I can continue staying positive.  My Papa (Grandpa on my Mom's side) always told us to cry so we can feel better.  I always thought that made so much sense because once I do cry, I almost always feel at least a little better.  :) 

Today I find myself grieving a few things.  I miss living life and being "out there".  I miss being involved at church and interacting with people.  I miss having a close girlfriend I can go shopping with or sit and talk over some tea.  I miss worship time at church.  Singing by myself to a cd is worship but I often miss all the other voices that you hear when you're at church.  I miss being able to help someone by encouraging them with a hug or a smile or a compliment.  In many ways, I kind of miss being me. 

It's hard to not feel like somehow I'm losing bits of myself because of all of this.  And yet how I feel is very different from what is actually taking place.  I can tell you that to see myself admit that I miss being "me" is nothing but proof that this journey God has me on is for my benefit.  I spent most of my life wishing I had another physical body and feeling less of a person for it.  I know how silly that is but it doesn't change a lifetime of advertisements, hurtful words, and hurtful actions done to reinforce that line of thinking. 

But, right now, all that seems so silly or will you allow me to say stupid?!  ;)  I'm fighting to get my life back!  Yes, I want what I had because I had it good!!  How stupid I was for even thinking that me being a thinner version of me would have made it so much better!  Sure, being healthy and in shape would have benefits but I fell for the delusion that it would have made all my problems go away.  I was beginning to understand this just before getting ill but right now it's more clear to me than ever.  Yes, one of my first things I plan on doing when I'm able to is to start getting my body back in shape and hopefully losing some weight.  But it won't be for the same reasons as before.  It will be for health but not for a delusion!  :) 

Today's grieving brought me to understand all of this and if I hadn't allowed myself to process today's grief, who knows when I would have realized this important thing about myself.  If you have someone in your life who is chronically ill - help them grieve in a healthy way.  It can help them move on to the next day and sometimes it might even give them some insight into themselves as it did for me today.  But make sure you allow them the option.  They have a right to grieve the things they've lost, the time they've lost, and the activities they miss doing. 

There is always a caution though - despair is not an option!  If you find yourself sad and full of sorrow nearly all the time, please don't be afraid to ask for help.  Sometimes it comes in the form of counselors and sometimes in the form of new friendships.  God longs for you to have a full life in Him, even if you're chronically ill.  You can depend on Him and He will get us through whatever it is that we face.  Cry to Him.  Talk to Him.  Sometimes I even yell a little.  He always hears your cries for help and will get you through if you'll only trust Him.