Sunday, January 15, 2012

Bitter Sweet

This past week has been somewhat strange because my husband was gone for a conference for work in Texas.  The first 3.5 days I spent home alone with my two furry children.  It was during that time I was able to reflect and decided to give blogging a try.  I'd thought about it before but I've always had fears that kept me from doing it.  What if I say too much?  What if I use it just to cry and whine about what's happened?  What if no one reads it or it doesn't really help people understand any better what we're facing?

But one of the many issues I've had to deal with since getting sick is isolation.  I go through periods where I handle it ok and then other times where I don't handle it well at all.  You see, before I got sick, I hardly had a day just to myself.  Since the day I went to college I've always had a roommate.  (Minus one semester I got the dorm room to myself but my best friends lived in the same building and had great people living in my wing.)  Days were filled with classes, studying, a bit of work and once I graduated, I started working full time.  When my husband was flying for the airlines, I had many nights at home alone while he was gone on trips but I always had a full day of working with lots of people at work for 8+ hours each day and if it was on a weekend, I made sure to do something with friends and always had Sunday morning church to look forward to.  

So, you can imagine the shock to the system it was when now I was staying home all day and could hardly muster the energy to feed and bathe myself - let alone have friends over or go anywhere.  When weeks turned into months and months to years - well, I CAN say I got "used" to it.  But I can't say I've gotten good at it.  And even though I can now handle the cooking and and short visits with friends (on the good days),  I still have this craving to somehow still be out there in the world, to somehow have a way to connect with people that can't come see me.  Even though I still have those fears mentioned above, I just felt this was something I had to try anyway and thus, the Krazy J's blog was born.

Well, later this week, my sister came to visit for a couple days and it was great!  It's always nice having her here but it's always stinky when she leaves.  Especially, this time.  She took me to one of my doctor appointments and helped me with dishes, cooking, etc.  She's been one of my closest friends through all of this and Lord knows I would have lost my mind if I hadn't had her to talk to, cry to, etc.  Having her here to visit with throughout the day, to talk about girl stuff with, it was so refreshing...something I crave often because I so infrequently get to do anything like that now.  But when she left, it was sadness that for now, that was over (until her next visit) and because I've missed out on so much - it feels like it's never enough.  But if there is one thing the last two years has taught me, it's to enjoy the blessings while and when you can because even in the midst of chronic illness, God gives blessings abundantly to help us get through it.

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