This one is a tough one to explain because it means I have to be open and honest and is just one more testimony to how I'm NOT perfect. Not even close...
Tonight, I got upset because of something I saw in a digital scrap booking kit. It was a kit called "Grandma's Drawer" and it had all kinds of cool things like a doily, or various old time signs, cross-stitch letters, and the trigger - a bingo card.
Andy's family has a Christmas time tradition. Each year we play bingo for small presents that have been wrapped. Everyone brings a few male and female themed gifts to contribute and we play til all the presents have been doled out. I've missed the last few or only been present for a short time and haven't been able to play this for over 2 years. It was another reminder of how sick I am and how long I've been sick. I've been missing important events for 2.5 years now and the loss of time can sometimes be staggering. When these triggers hit, sometimes it's a quick but sad cry, many only one or two tears. Sometimes it's anger or bitterness. Sometimes it's a full blown ball-my-eyes-out-snot-running-down-my-face kind of event. I never know how I'm going to react and I don't always know what's going to trigger it.
One of the things I have to confess is I sometimes get angry with people who are well. It's not usually for listing all the awesome things you got to do this weekend or how excited you are you did this or that. (Although, I wouldn't be honest if I said this never happened, because it does.) Usually, the anger hits when I read comments/emails/texts about someone who has a cold and because they don't feel as well, they can only do 8 out of the 10 things they had planned for the day. I know they did nothing wrong, it's not their fault that I'm ill and they aren't... that makes me feel even worse. So I started off angry at them and then end w/ being angry at myself.
The worst triggers are seeing the pictures or reading the status updates from the people you care about and how they are doing this or that together and you're too sick to be a part of their lives right now. I am a social person, I've always loved getting out and living life and for the last 2.5 years, I've been stuck at home. Because of Andy's farm hours, I have spent most of that time eating 2-3 meals a day w/ netflix or the dish as my company. I shop online instead of having a fun girl's day in the TriCities. Shoot, there's tons of things I used to do that I just can't do now. For most of the 2.5 years, I've handled that change fairly well. But, when the triggers happen, it can sometimes be a slap in the face - a giant reminder of how things used to be. And, when that happens, I don't always respond in my heart the way I should. I get tempted to lash out or yell or whine about how that's nothing compared to what I'm going through. It's so juvenile and I hate that I think it - but I do.
Emotional triggers can sometimes be a bomb waiting to explode. I'm working on how I handle them and trying to learn how to channel those emotions into a Godly response instead of a bitter or angry one. It's not easy and I know I'll continue to make mistakes, but I hope and pray that as the Lord keeps me in this situation, I'll become more pliable and sensitive to His mercy and grace and let those things become my focus even in the face of emotional triggers. If any of you have any advise or experiences with things like this - I would love for you to share because I need all kinds of help! Major life changes come in many shapes and colors. Whether it's a lost loved one or an accident or injury or whatever - let's help each other work through these heart wrenching things by praying and encouraging one another in the ways of Jesus.
I gotta tell ya, I think it's pretty amazing and a testament to your faith and support system that you only have these feelings sometimes! There are a lot of people, who in your situation, would be pretty depressed all the time as it's only natural to be upset that you can't participate in the things you would have been. I think that you're doing exactly what God wants you to be doing right now...searching for ways to have a more God-like response in all areas of your life :)
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