Today I find myself struggling to try to explain just how difficult it can be to not be angry or mean or bitter. I'm having a pretty bad day...feeling extra kinds of crummy and that can bring out the worst in a person. I get scared because the last few days have been rough and I start to worry that another set back is about to happen. I get angry about it, too. Last week I was just starting to feel like progress was being made again and now it "feels" like all that is gone.
Feelings are so deceptive though and even though I know this, today I find it especially hard to ignore them. I find myself irritated with everything everyone does because I'm not getting what I want. An adult version of a temper-tantrum?! Yeah, I guess it is. It's horrible because I know feeling this way is wrong and that it's not anyone's fault I'm sick like I am. Yet I sometimes long to lash out and take it out on someone, anyone, because the deceit is that it will make you feel better if you do. Which is a lie! It only makes you feel worse.
It's days like today I try to avoid facebook because when I'm in this mood, it's hard for me to restrain telling you I don't care about your crappy work day (at least you're healthy enough to work) or how you're drinking coffee right now. I'm trying to survive here and all you have to talk about is coffee? (See, I told you I can get nasty!) But I wouldn't be honest with you if I didn't share this because unless you've been chronically ill, you can't understand the battle it can be to remember that life goes on and that someday they may be facing something so hard I couldn't imagine what it's like. But the selfish side of all of us longs to think that we somehow have it worse, don't we? That because life is hard for us right now it should be for everyone. Which just isn't how life works.
There's a favorite line from a song by Relient K that says "the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair." For those of us who have accepted Christ as our Savoir, it's a great reminder that if life was fair, none of us would ever have a shot at heaven - we all would be condemned to a death that separates us from God. But because Christ did die for us and did rise again, we have grace extended if we would only believe. So, the one thing that saves me is the one reminder I need to keep hold of because it may not seem fair that I have to endure this but if I really got what was fair, what I'm going through right now would seem like a cake-walk.
So, on one hand, if you have someone in your life who's chronically ill and has a day where they may be "nasty" to you; I'm not saying cut them a break but try to understand where they're coming from. Be sensitive enough to what they may be facing and forgive them for their anger because hopefully they don't really mean it. On the other hand, help them remember that if life was fair, none of us could ever hope for anything good because life apart from God is no life at all. The beauty of grace is that God's supply of it never runs out and it keeps me from getting what I truly deserve.
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