Learning to Weather a Storm

For some reason, today, I feel worse than the last few days.  This happens frequently and yet every time it happens, I have to stop myself from freaking out.  You'd think I'd be used to it by now but I'm not; the level of anxiety that occurs has lowered over time but it's still a battle to not get anxious at all.  Every time it happens there's a checklist of thoughts that start to happen:  Did I forget my medication?  Did I do something to cause this?  Did I accidentally eat gluten?  Essentially, Why is this happening and am I somehow responsible?

Dealing with anxiety is not something I've ever been good at.  In fact, I'll be honest enough to say I'm awful at it.  I like being comfortable (physically).  I have avoided most theme park rides, heights, and tall ladders because they freak me out.  Some find it exhilarating, I find it scary and the opposite of fun.  I like to have fun playing games, reading a book, going for a nice, quiet drive not jumping out of airplanes or looking for the next "thrill"!  I like things I'm USED to - not things that make your body feel like it's going to fly apart from speedy turns or wild spins.  :)  (Yes, I do realize I sound like a giant party pooper but I sincerely prefer physical comfort over terrorizing "thrills".)  Anxiety isn't much different to me.  I prefer to be calm and confident VS scared and unsure.  So, when days like today happen and the fear or anxiety that comes with them presents itself - it's something I'm slowly learning how to properly handle. 

When this all first started it was more fear than anxiety.  Not the "you're afraid of the dark" fear but "am I going to die?" fear.  At one point, I was so sick I could hardly stand long enough to take a shower, was hardly able to eat anything, and felt like I was on the verge of passing out constantly.  I remember trying to describe to doctors (as well as family and friends) just how sick I felt but no words really ever seemed to do it justice.  For someone who's never experienced this before, this all might sound a bit dramatic to you.  It's not an easy thing to deal with the constant fear that your body is about to quit on you - especially when that goes on for months and months.  Can you at least try to imagine what it would be like to all of a sudden have a body that hurts all the time, is exhausted all the time, is woozy all the time, is nauseous all the time, won't sleep hardly any of the time, and all of those I just listed at the same time together?  I mean every minute of every day. 

Because of my faith in God, this fear was something I was having a hard time reconciling.  I knew in my head that God has ALL THINGS under His control.  I knew that God lets nothing but what is for my best happen to me yet the fear was somehow keeping my beliefs from connecting to my heart.  I had zero inner peace about this because I was letting this fear and anxiety control my feelings.  I remember the conversation where that started to turn around.  My Dad was letting me vent about how scared I was and then he asked me if I believed that God was in control of even this.  I hate to even admit this because I love my Savior but I paused.  Not for too long, a couple seconds, but I did pause.  But in that moment, I let go of the fear and started letting God's peace control my heart.  After those two seconds, I answered him with a yes - a real one.  I can't say I haven't had struggles with this since then - because I have.  Days like today when you back-slide for no reason are hard to deal with and sometimes cause a brief lapse in judgement because you start letting fear get in the way again.

Getting shingles was a true test of that.  It was the biggest set-back I've had since getting sick.  Any slight progress we had made with the fatigue and wooziness - well it was out the window.  I'm still trying to get back to where I was before coming down with shingles but at least we're starting to get close.  (That was about 3 months ago.) 

One of the practical things I've done is memorized some verses that remind me of God's sovereignty.  When I start to get scared or feel anxiety's grip, I start recalling these verses and keep repeating them until I feel calm again.  (I'm going to make a separate page with this list and I will let you know if I add new ones as time goes on.)  The other thing I do when I get scared is PRAY.  Phil 4: 6-7 says "Be anxious about nothing.  But in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God which passes all comprehension will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  I have CLUNG to this promise more than any other - asking God to grant me HIS peace and HIS strength and I cannot tell you how many times He would immediately answer and I would feel calm again.  Like lightening bolt immediate. 

So, while I do my best to remain faithful even in the midst of this storm - it's not always easy and I often make mistakes.  I get angry or scared or mean because I fail to stop and recognize all that God has done for me.  But then I have my days when I do notice - how God has given me the most awesome husband in the world who has been by my side through all of this.  Not only does he work farmers hours but since I've been sick, he's had to do most of the house work, buy the groceries, and certain parts of the year all on his only day off.  God has given me an awesome family who call, email, and skype regularly with me - checking up on me, praying with me, and helping me through this.  Kathy (my MIL) has driven me to more appointments than I can remember.  I hear all the time how people are praying for me and how I have their love and support.  God's also continued to provide financially through all of this as well as help us find a good doctor close by.  There are so many more things I could list but the most important is know that He has saved me.  He knows my fears, my pauses, my sins, and because of Jesus - He is able to forgive them all and still love me unconditionally!  Before getting sick, I used to wonder how people made it through this life without God - without having faith to know that all of this has a reason.  Since getting sick, I know that I would have lost my mind to anxiety and fear if it hadn't been for God, His Word, and knowing that His promises are sure.  Weathering a storm is not easy.  It takes hard work, determination, and all kinds of faith!  It takes lots of prayer, tears, and big giant bear hugs.  :)  Most importantly, it takes God's grace and mercy because without it I'd be one monster of an anxiety mess. 

Whatever your storm is - please know you're not alone.  You can have peace and forgiveness if you only ask.  I truly believe that what I'm going through, as hard as it is, will somehow be for my benefit and even if I never know the reason why in this life - I know that God will make it clear in the next.  You, too, can have that assurance if you'll only believe God for who He says He is in His Word. 

With Much Love - Jen