Friday, July 19, 2013

A Wish List of Sorts

Over the past three years, there are a few things I have dreamed of that I often think would make this journey I'm on just a bit easier.  Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty because unlike many sick people in this world, I live in the lap of luxury comparatively.  But, I also find myself dreaming, as it were, of things invented and yet to be invented, that would make the last three years so much more bearable. 

#1.  It's days like today I DREAM of the "Beam me up, Scottie!" transporter that is so often seen in Star Trek.  If I could just transport myself to ND for the afternoon so I could visit my family and then return home as soon as I'm not feeling well, that would make life so much better!!  But not just ND, if it could transport me to a friend's house nearby, and quickly return me home once worn out, I might actually get to see people once in awhile.  But, alas, there is no transporter and probably never will be - but I will keep dreaming of one.  :)

#2.  It's also days like today I long for a back deck, with wonderful, comfy outdoor furniture and dog fence around it so the girls could safely join me.  I would LOVE to be able to watch the sunset outside w/out the dirty windows getting in the way.  It would allow me more fresh air on the bad days when even the energy to go downstairs and outside just seems to not be there.  To be able to read or do devotions outside and while one w/ nature is always better, at least for me. 

#3.  A hot tub or jacuzzi tub.  I've had many a day and night spent in pain that no advil can touch and to have the luxury of hot bubbles soothing my achy bones and muscles would be so wonderful!  Oh, I forgot to mention, I want one w/out all of the maintenance that goes w/ one, too! 

#4.  A magic wand or a jeanie in the bottle, or just a nose that wiggles would do.  To be able to clean my house w/ one flick of the wand or one wish or nose wiggle, would be so grand!!  Same goes for cooking!!  :) 

#5.  For one with a chronic fatigue problem, I often dream of the days doctors made house calls.  You can not know the terror the waiting room can be until you're so very sick and so very tired that waiting that 1.5 hours now takes every. ounce. of. strength. you never knew you had.  To be honest, I didn't know how I got through it - I honestly believe it was only by the grace of God I did.  Sitting at home on your couch is NEVER equal to sitting in a waiting room or in one of the patient rooms in a horribly hard and opposite of comfortable chair.  Never. 

#6.  I wish our little town of Sunnyside, WA had a grocery store that delivered.  I'm so thankful to have found some friends who help us out by doing this for us now but it would have saved us a lot of trouble to begin with if this service was offered here like it is in other places. 

#7.  An evening church service on Sunday's.  Now, there will have been (and continue to be) times that I still wouldn't be able to make an evening service but there would also have been times I could have gone to church if there had been an evening service to go to.  I miss church more than just about anything else and even though I know an evening service just isn't possible for a small church like ours, I still wish it were. 

#8.  Last, but not least, I wish that this had never happened to begin with.  I dream of the days I was well and busy and going places.  Andy and I were always visiting with friends, family, or going to the movies, etc.  I have new dreams, too.  I dream of one day actually being good at photography and setting up a studio downstairs along w/ different cool props out back.  I dream of having children and all the energy required to raise them, to love them, to teach them, to sing to them, to make them laugh, to watch them w/ Andy and watch Andy be their father.  I wish to be able to help out at church again.  Whether it be w/ teaching children, running projection, or helping out some other way, I just want to be useful and contribute to this life.  Right now, I feel often like a taker.  Everyone else must give to me as I can give so little - not by choice - but because of my circumstances. 

In the end, I want you to know that I do recognize how truly blessed I am!  We have a roof over our heads, food to eat, and two furbabies that we love dearly.  God has provided many graces to us throughout this illness and I thank Him for it!!  It's just, until you're in a situation like mine, you don't understand the obstacles someone else could be facing.  If you know someone who is ill or disabled, there might be a single task you could do for them that they struggle to do themselves.  Just having one less thing to worry about can make all the difference in their day/week/month! 

I know it's been awhile since I've written.  I wish I could just make a machine that would allow you to instantly know all that I am going through without having to explain it.  I guess that's #9!!  LOL  There are times, like the past few months, that I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing or worrying what you'll think if I'm truly honest w/ how things are.  Will you believe me or will you, like many others, label me crazy and walk away?  To those that have stuck by me and encouraged me throughout this, you are blessings beyond blessings to me!!!  Thanks for reading!  :)

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